(A rude and very silly story for younger children)

 

FARTY-BOTTOMED PIRATES IN OUTER SPACE

 

The pirate spaceship’s rocket motors had broken. It didn’t have any power and it was drifting off into outer space.

 Most of the food had gone and all the pirates had left to eat were tins of baked beans.

 The pirates were complaining.

 ‘Aaar!!’ They said. And: ‘40 golden doubloons in a dead man’s chest, me hearties!’

 Mind you, pirates always say that.

The pirates were all farting because of the beans.

 PARP! PORP! PERP! They went. PERP! PORP! PARP!

 The Captain of the pirate spaceship wasn’t very happy.

 ‘Beans, beans, beans!’ he complained. ‘Nothing but baked beans! There’s too much fartiness on this rocket. And how are we going to fix the rocket motor?

 ‘We’re supposed to be causing terror and havoc throughout the universe, not drifting around farting. I’ll be a laughing stock.’

 His parrot was sitting on his shoulder. ‘Miley Cyrus!’ it shouted, for no reason at all.

 ‘Shut up, you’, said the Captain.

But it was lunchtime. The pirates had to eat something.

 The cook was in the kitchen. He was pouring cold water from the tap through some baked beans.

 The cook was trying to get the farts out of the beans by putting them in a sieve and running cold water over them.

 (You can try this yourself – if you look carefully you can see the farts coming out!)

While he was trying to get the farts out of the beans, the cook sang a song:

 

WE’RE PIRATES IN OUTER SPACE

WE STEAL, AND NICK YOUR GOLD

 WE’RE SCARY, REALLY SCARY

JUST LIKE YOU’VE BEEN TOLD

 

WE’LL JUMP ON BOARD YOUR SPACESHIP

AND WEE IN YOUR WATER TANK

 AND IF WE FIND A PIECE OF WOOD

WE’LL MAKE YOU WALK THE PLANK

In his cabin the Captain was sharpening his cutlass, polishing his wooden leg, and scratching his head, all at the same time.

 He was wondering what to do.

 His pirate spaceship had run out of fuel and it was getting fartier and fartier. Everywhere he went all he heard from his crew was:

 ‘PARP! PORP! PERP!’

The cook banged a big metal serving spoon on a big metal bowl. It was the signal for lunch.

 From the distance came the sound of hungry pirates:

 ‘Aaarrrh!!’ They shouted when they heard the signal.

 And: ‘Throw the lubber to the sharks!’

 Mind you, pirates always say that.

The pirates came in and sat along the long table, with the Captain at the head of the table.

 They all ate their lunch of beans, beans, beans …

 … and more beans.

 And the cook’s plan hadn’t worked. The pirates were still farting.

 ‘PARP, PORP! PERP!’ they went.

 ‘PERP! PORP! PARP!’

The Captain had had enough.

 ‘Right, you lot’, he said. ‘I’ve had enough!

 He stood up and waved his hook menacingly.

 ‘The rocket motor’s not working. We’re drifting in space. And there’s too much fartiness on board this pirate spaceship for my liking.

 I want ideas. And I want them fast!’

 ‘Miley Cyrus!’ shouted the parrot sitting on his shoulder.

 ‘Shut up, you’, said the Captain.

The pirates scratched their heads and lots of dandruff came out.

 There was a long silence in the cabin, broken only by the constant sound of pirates farting.

 

Silence.

 

PARP!

 

Silence.

 

PORP!

 

But no one had any ideas. (Pirates are pretty thick, you see.)

And then, something happened.

The Captain’s parrot made a little noise, ruffled its feathers and whispered in the Captain’s ear.

 The parrot had had an idea!

 The Captain nodded, and a big grin came onto his ugly face.

 ‘Lads’, said the Captain …’

Soon afterwards, the pirate spaceship’s engine burst into action.

 Flames came out the back and the rocket was zooming forward into space.

 ‘Har har!! Shouted the Captain. ‘The engine’s fixed!

 The pirates were back in business!

 And the pirates were all so happy they sang this song:

 

WE’RE PIRATES IN OUTER SPACE

WE WANT YOUR GOLD, AND STUFF

 WE’LL MAKE RUDE FACES AT YOUR GRAN

BECAUSE WE’RE PRETTY TOUGH

 

THAT PARROT’S NOT SO DAFT, YOU KNOW

THAT PARROT’S PRETTY COOL

 HE HAD THE BRILLIANT IDEA

TO USE OUR FARTS FOR FUEL!

The End